Book Review: The Pirate Queen by Patricia Hickman

The Pirate Queen is a beautiful story which centers around main character Saphora Warren. She has lived a life with many material things and money, but has not found fulfillment in a marriage to her plastic surgeon husband, Bender, who has not been faithful to her for most of their marriage. She plans to leave him and begin anew, when he interrupts those plans with the news of his newly diagnosed cancer. What ensues is a trip to their summer home, much time in and out of hospitals for Bender's medical care, a revolving door of visiting family members and unlikely friendships that develop along the way. Saphora discovers again how to love her husband, as well as those around her and is introduced to not only new friends but also to a God who loves her and sees every tear she has ever shed, and cares about each one.
At first, this book seemed to be a dissapointment to me. I had a hard time following the many characters and didn't really feel connected to them at the beginning. I also had a difficult time seeing how they all interconnected. The story was also nothing of what I expected it to be upon reading the description. Something happened though, well before I reached the halfway point, and I was very much drawn in to the story. By the time I reached the end, I had laughed, shed tears, and was very much affected by the characters and their experiences. This story has some deep tradgedies, but through them, Saphora and those around her learn to see God at work, and allow Him to have His way in their lives. I believe this story will stick with me for a good long while, and would recommend it, with the encouragement to stick with it, even if the beginning is a little slow.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Waterbrook Multnomah as part of their book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 : "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.

Clean Eating, Day 1...and oh yea, when is your baby due?

So far so good on day one of Clean Eating. I have tried to eat protein and a complex carb at each meal, increase the fruits and vegetables, stay away from the sugars and white stuff, and generally behave. I haven't really been hungry, and everything has been pretty good so far. I am trying to be more adventurous with my food too....made a fritatta-type thing this morning with egg whites and chicken and tomatos, had a berry smoothie at lunch, and cooked quinoa with our pork chops at supper AND even tried brussel sprouts for the first time! I roasted them in the oven with some olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic, and they weren't too bad. I do think there is some degree of acquired taste with them, but I was proud of myself for branching out. So...yay for one day of good eating so far!

And in other news....you know you have a weight problem when you go to draw blood on a patient, and she looks you right in the eyes and says "So, when is your baby due?". Ummm...yea, I'm not pregnant, just fat. Grrreat. Nothing to make you encouraged than the ol' thinkin your pregnant when you're not conversation! Of course, I will say I felt much better when she was looking down by the floor and thought she saw a dog...and then, she started reaching out to touch the wall, because she thought it was slick. Yea...the dog thing REALLY helped redeem the moment! No dogs in that hospital room, no sirree!!

Book Review: Life in Spite of Me: Extraordinary Hope After a Fatal Choice

http://www.amazon.com/Life-Spite-Me-Extraordinary-ebook/dp/B0036S4EX2/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1322115689&sr=1-1





Life, In Spite of Me is the beautiful, redemptive story of Kristen Anderson. Kristen had a rather idyllic life growing up, but as the teenage years moved on, she began to experience more and more problems, including the suicide of a dear friend and a rape. These life-altering events, combined with the tension and angst so common during the teenage years erupted into a powerful and dangerous state of mind which led Kristen to attempt suicide by laying on the tracks in the path of an oncoming train. She tells this story in vivid detail, and goes on to share the struggles she faced after surviving this ordeal. She is very open and honest about her feelings as well as her pain, and in a beautiful way unfolds the story of how she became a new creation in Christ, and has continued to serve Him with her entire life.

I truly was inspired by this book. The story of hope that is contained in this book is a very powerful one. As a mother, it was difficult to imagine the pain this young lady went through, not only before her suicide attempt, but in the time since as well. But, seeing how the hand of God led her into a relationship with Himself, and then used this tragic time in her life to help others is amazing. I wouldn't say this is a "feel-good" book, as there is nothing lighthearted about suicide or the consequences for the person who attempts this route, nor the people that love them. However, seeing the hope that is on such full display in Kristen's life as she tells the story is truly inspirational.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Waterbrook Multnomah as part of their book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 : "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

I miss running

I miss running. I really do. I have been taking walks nearly every day with my kids, which has been wonderful, but I really miss being in the shape to run. This time last year I ran a half marathon and was well on my way to weight loss success. This year, I am a slug whose butt is so big I hardly recognize it. There is something about the season that makes me miss running more too, I think. The cooler weather (at least every now and then) and the Christmas lights starting to go up. It's the time of year it just feels good to get out and let your own two feet take you places, and feel the amazement at your own self as you realize you haven't run this far without a walk break in a very long time. I could try again...and I will try again. My boys would be fine with me running, and my girl is in the stroller, so there really isn't a good reason why I can't. I think I havne't though, just because I have been so darn tired and also so uncomfotable as I try to run. I am big. I have a lot of extra weight right now. I am not training for anything. I guess the walking just seems easier right now. And part of me thinks that is all fine and dandy. No big deal. Walking is something and at least you are out there. But then, another part of me, the bigger part knows I can do more. It knows what it is to run 8 miles without a walk break, feel the steady breathing and the cool air in my lungs, and have my muscles fatiguing as I go...I love that feeling. I miss that feeling. I intend to know that feeling again.

Goal Setting

Okay....not like I haven't done this at least a hundred times, but I need to do some Goal Setting! One of my heros, Dave Ramsey, talks a lot about Goal Setting. He said on a podcast I listened to the other night that if you set definable, measurable, clear goals with a timeline you are well on your way to success, and in the top 5% of people...now, exactly what that "top 5%" is, I am not sure, but hey, it still sounds like a good thing to be! I have been thinking about these goals some, and not saying they won't evolve and be adjusted here and there, but I have to start somewhere, so I will start now. Not to be like a mid-life crisis person or anything, but I just am not really happy with my life right now. I will be turning 40 in about 5 months, and the title of my blog really resonates with me: This is your life, Stacy, are you who you wanna be? Well, actually no. I am far from who I want to be, truth be told. In some areas I think I am doing all right, making lots of progress even, but in so many others, I am so far from who I want to be, and so far from where I even have been before. I want to regain the parts of me that have been lost through the years of bad marriage....I want to regain the parts of me that have been lost through poor financial behavior. I want to lose the parts of me that have been gained in food taken in mindlessly to fill whatever needs aren't being filled elsewhere. I have the next 5 months until I turn 40 to make a legit beginning again...and hopefully can carry the goals to completion and/or continuing progress. I only have this one life....its a gift from my God, and what I do with it is my gift to Him...not to be cliche or velveeta-cheesy about it, but it is so true. I need to honor Him with this gift of life...and be who He designed me to be...not this messed up mess that I have allowed my circumstances to make me into. So: Here goes: Over the next 5 months, here are some goals I want to begin working on:
1. Spiritual: I want to spend some time in God's Word each day...even if it is only a verse or two! I want to be in the Word. I would like to memorize a new verse at least every 2 weeks. That would be about 10 new verses between now and the big 4-0. I also want to keep up with my prayer list. I want to make sure I cover the whole thing at least once each week. ( I really want to do more than that, but I am trying to do something that is do-able, so as not to get discouraged.)
2. Family: I want to love better. Even if I do not feel loved, I want to choose to love. After all, I promised that I would. I must make it a daily choice. I do it already by cooking, cleaning, earning a paycheck, and taking care of all the home stuff, but I need to be kinder in my words and for sure in my thoughts and attitudes. Loving my kids is easy....crazy about them. I want to love them better though with my time. I want to give them as much of it as I can. I know this isn't measurable really, but I do want to make a concerted effort to love well.
3. Finances: We will be nearly debt-free by the time I hit 40. Would love to make it by the end of 2012. In order to do that, we will need to --eat at home. --use a grocery list. --not impulse buy stuff. --go easy on the gifts. --stay the course. We have paid our debt down over the last several years from nearly 100K down to a little less than 30K....we WILL get there!
4. Intellectual: I love to read. Have been doing a lot of it. Need to keep that up! I would like to challenge myself to read at least 1 nonfiction book per week. I am probably reading 2-3 books most weeks, but need to make at least one of them something I can learn from.
5. Physical: Okay, here we go again..but it is the thorn in my flesh, dontcha know! I want to lose 10 pounds/month minimum (should be do-able) from now until the big 4-0, continuing on after that until I have lost a total of at least 100 pounds. I have got to do it to be me again, and to get healthy. I have got to do it to be there for my kids. I have got to do it to honor the Temple the Lord has given me...it's His house after all!

So, there!! A place to begin. Lets hope I can keep at it and bring this together. Not in my strength, but in His, of course!

"Book" Review--Word of Promise New Testament, Audio Bible

The Word of Promise New Testament Audio Bible is a dramatized, audio version of the New King James Version (NKJV) of the New Testament. Many famous voices are heard in this Bible, including Jim Caviezel as Jesus, Marisa Tomei as Mary Magdalene, Stacey Keach as Paul, and Lou Gossett, Jr. as John, as well as a host of others. It is a word-for-word rendering of the Scriptures, complete with sound effects and background instrumental music to accompany the narration.

I enjoyed listening to this Bible a great deal. It brings the Scriptures to life without being cheesy, as many audio recordings can be. The voices are believable and helped me to visualize the stories in a way that was different than when I simply read. As the Bible says, "Faith comes by hearing", and this is a great way to hear the Word. I enjoyed both the segments of dialogue and the telling of stories with realistic sounds you would expect to hear in the background of the setting of the stories, as well as the narration of the Epistles. I would recommend this audio version of the New Testament wholeheartedly to anyone who would like a fresh way to hear the Word.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

It's REALLY that big?!!!

Okay, so obviously, I haven 't been on the wagon with the eating and exercising, as evidenced by the fact I have been remiss (again) at blogging. And, let me say....it is terribly depressing! I got a view today of my butt in the mirror with my jammies on before I went to sleep, and it was like...holy cow! I knew it was big, but I had NO IDEA it was THAT big!!! What a wake-up call! I am really, really in need of some discipline. I will be turning 40 in about 5 months....wonder how far I can make it in that amount of time? Wonder if I can get some discipline about me? Because what I am doing now just simply isn't happening. And I sure would love to be well on my way by the time that 4-0 hits! So, do I have a plan? Well, not really...but I do know a ton of stuff about what I SHOULD and SHOULD NOT be doing....so, time to ditch the excuses and pull it together....lets do this!

Aww crap!

Well, here I am again..not quite as long of a lag time as the last hiatus, but still a lag nevertheless. I am not back with great news to report, in fact, I am pretty frustrated after weighing today. Back at 249....aaarrgghh!!! So much for my great aspirations! I get so frustrated, because it feels like I will never get this weight off. Two steps forward and three back. I really am sick of the roller coaster. Some things are getting better. I am finished with my job at church now, which is actually a blessing in regained time. I am thankful to have that time back to spend with my family and regaining some sense of control in my life, by getting the house in better order, etc. Things are looking up in that area. Money is a challenge, in that I gave up a significant amount of income to regain that time. But, hopefully only a little over a year left to pay on debt, and life will level out financially. I really am looking forward to that! Money is a challenge as far as eating right is concerned too. It is expensive to eat healthy! Well, maybe not totally, but it definitely is cheaper to get things like fries, sugar, etc. So, I am looking at incorporating a lot more of one of my favorites: beans. I keep reading all sorts of wonderful things about beans. They are cheap too! I never met a bean I didn't like. Of course, I do enjoy them with rice and meats, but I am going to try, I think, to do more substituting beans as a main course. I am good with this, and I am thinking my kids may be okay with it too, as they aren't real into meat. Now the husband is a whole 'nother story though! He definitely feels the need for meat. I do on occasion, but I am thinking I could probably do like one meat day a week and be fine. If he doesn't have meat at each meal, he starts to get grumpier than usual! Will have to figure out how to work around that one. I am exercising, which is good....gotta get that part together at least!

Anyhow...I am not exactly sure what I am after, other than healthy eating, but I will try to formulate in my mind what we need to do and carry it out and blog back again. I know the Lord didn't design me to be obese...which means there is a way to get past this. Freedom, Lord....I pray for Your freedom, so that I can be the daughter of the King You designed me to be...Help me, Jesus!

Well, heck!

You can tell I have been off the wagon, as evidenced by my lack of blog posts! If I have nothing good to say about how I have been doing in the weight loss department, it makes me not want to write! But, alas, this is about accountability and honesty, so here I am, fessin up...AGAIN! I haven't been like out and out awful, but I haven't exactly been good either. I did get a treadmill a couple of weeks ago, which I am totally excited about. Have been trying to get to running again. I have been exercising, just not getting the eating under control. My quantities have been too big, South Beach went out the window after the boys' birthday (which was a month ago now) and I have been quite the dessert maker lately. My crockpot has been getting well-used, which is probably better than going out to eat all the time, but it hasn't exactly been crazy South-Beach-friendly fare coming out of it! So....that's where I am at. I need to get with it...again! Maybe I will check back in soon and have something good to say...maybe I can use this blog as motivation for that..maybe? Maybe! Ok...here's to blogging again sometime with something good to say before another month passes!

Off the wagon....gotta get back on!!!!

Well, what I feared would happen with making birthday cakes and birthday celebrations happened, and I have got to un-happen it, which I am really not good at. Not good at at all! I fell off the wagon...off the no-sugar, South Beach, feeling good about me wagon...Aaarrgh! All it takes is a big bear cake and a chocolate dinosaur, both slathered in more buttercream stars than you can shake a stick at, and I melt like the butter I stuck in my bra to thaw! Holy cow! Their birthday was Thursday, and so we went to eat that night and had Italian...Luigi's, of course, for my two little Mario fanatics. I ate a pasta dish, which wasn't SB friendly at all, and then had some birthday cake. Like, a lot of birthday cake. This particular one was from Randall's, and it was just the actual day-of-birth birthday cake. Yea, had so much of it that I spent a good part of Friday in the bathroom poopin blue from the icing colors. Nice, huh! So, Friday night I start making chocolate lollipops for party favors for the birthday party and bake the cakes that I spent Saturday decorating, and before I know it, I have cleaned up the bowl of melted chocolate before it ever made it to the sink, and yea...lots of buttercream was consumed that day. And the next, because of course it was there. And then had some cookies...and before I know it, here it is early Wednesday morning and I have hit the snack machine at work for a 3-pack of Zingers! What has become of me! OK.....so, I have fallen off...so, I haven't weighed for fear of what the scale will say. I can start fresh, right? Right? Yes, I must. We are still sorta willy nilly on the routine, since my girly hasn't started preschool yet, but I am gonna try to get in some bike trainer time this morning and jump into the exercise, which I dearly love. And, I have GOT to get the food thang back in line. So, I am thinking, starting....NOW....no sugar, unless its in fruit. None of that refined flour stuff either. Can I do it?? I hope I can, I hope I can!! Back on the wagon I go...and yea, for whatever reason, this reminds me of the video I have of my husband from many years ago when we took kids to Young Life camp, and he tried to get on the blob in the lake at camp. He jumped off the platform and kept sliding off into the water...over and over and over and over again...jump, slap, sploosh! I am hoping all my jump-slap-splooshing has been these past several days....lets hope this blob gets on the blob and STICKS with it this time!!!

What an amazing 7 years!

Well, today we celebrate a very special day at our home....my boys will be SEVEN years old!! This past 7 years has absolutely flown by, and it has been the greatest adventure I have ever been on. I am so thankful for each and every moment I have been able to spend with my precious boys. They are growing up so fast and are becoming such wonderful young men, right before my eyes! They can read now, are kind and considerate, love Jesus and their family, and I am beyond anything I can describe absolutely in love with these little guys. So, so thankful! Hoping I can make it a special day for them, despite being in between night shifts. I also don't have nearly as many gifts as I would like to have for them, so I am hoping tomorrow we can make everything happen that needs to come together!

I am also hoping to stay away from the sugar of the birthday cakes tomorrow and this weekend! It may be tough, but I think I am doing pretty well with my cravings. Weight is still holding pretty steady, so hopefully it will move a little more when I can start exercising more regularly.

Finished reading The Help tonight too...what an amazing book! I loved it, and can't wait now to see the movie! Anyhow....da,da,da,dat's all folks!!!!!

Still hangin!

Well, I am still behavin, still hangin in there! Nothing too exciting to report. Weighed in at 234 this morning, so slow and steady progress is good. I would love for it to be a little faster, but as long as its moving in the right direction, I'm not gonna complain! Today was an "awake" day for me home with just me and the kiddos, and it was awesome. I love days like today. Even got a few things done...there is a TON more that needs to get done, and I barely scratched the surface, but at least it's something!

Holdin on

So, weighed in this afternoon at 235.5...holding steady. That means I neither gained nor lost over the weekend, and I am back on track now, so yay for me! Last night and this morning were pretty uneventful. Went and bought some groceries...lots of lean meats, grapes, sugar free pudding..you know, the good stuff! So, I'm back with it..hoping to stay that way! Slept a couple of hours before my husband put the dogs in to cool off, thinking they would calm down and go to sleep in my room, but I woke up to barking and chewing, only to find out that my chacos were chewed up....I couldn't sleep then, so I got up and sewed my sandals back together the best that I could, and now I think I am about to order some new chacs...my old ones were nearing replacement anyway, so this just sped up the process, I guess. Anyhow, then I managed about an hour nap before I got up, got to cooking, read 2 chapters of Hank the Cowdog to the kiddos, showered, ate, and had to head into work. So...there ya go! Holding on is good!

Back from the Vacay!

Well, we had a most wonderful amazing few days of family time on our little vacation this past weekend! So blessed and so thankful! I worked til 5:30 a.m. on Friday, and we finished packing and cleaning house that morning before heading out on the road. I ended up sleeping only about a half hour, but really enjoyed the time on the ride even though I was sorta sleepy. We drove to San Antonio (well, actually, Boerne) and went to Bass Pro Shop (gotta complete the tour of as many locations as possible!) and then checked into our hotel. Then, we headed up the road about an hour to Mo Ranch, a beautiful camp property where we send our church kids to for conference. I had seen it, but not actually seen it-seen it, as I have only dropped kids off there. My kids had been wanting to see it ever since their daddy went last summer with our youth, so this was a great chance to visit. Let me say: I was super impressed! I knew it would be cool, but had no idea just how cool! Beautiful views, and just an amazing quality of stepping back in time--in a good way, not an outdated sort of way. It is the sort of place I want to and intend to take my family to, hopefully many times between now and when they are grown. I want my boys and my girl to be able to have some memories at this place. So cool! So, then, we went back to our hotel (after dinner with my husband's brother and nephew, more on that in a sec) and Saturday we went to Fiesta Texas...didn't intend to stay all day, but we did! It was GREAT! My kids had a ball, and it was so much fun watching them enjoy every second of what we did! We played at the waterpark and rode tons of rides, saw the laser and fireworks show at the end of the night, the whole bit. I think we made some sweet memories, and I am so thankful! Then, Sunday, we were intending to go to church somewhere locally, but were really tired, and the kids hadn't been able to swim at the hotel pool at all, so we decided to have church on our own that morning and let the kids swim a little while before we left. They really enjoyed it, and we had a devotion time and singalong in the van on the way to my parents house in Burnet. We had the most wonderful evening with my mom and dad.....so nice! And this morning we had to take off and head back home...but we took the scenic route..the very scenic route, as a matter of fact! We went to Inks Lake State Park to check out the campsites, and were very glad that we didn't camp this weekend like we had planned! The Lord had other plans for our weekend, and it turned out far better than we could have ever asked for. We drove around there, then headed back a different way than we usually go, to do some checking out of the Bulverde/Canyon Lake/New Braunfels area, where we hope to move in the next year or two, Lord willing. We also checked out Guadalupe River State Park, which is another on our list of possibilities for camping, and then we ate lunch at the Gristmill in Gruene. What a treat! To look out at the river while we ate yummy food!!! Speaking of which....how did I do on the eating while I was gone, you ask? (well, I guess I ask, since I am my only reader, that I know of!) I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't too bad either! Friday, I had a McDonald's salad for lunch...went with the fried chicken on it, which was a little of a stretch, but could have been much worse! That night, we ate at a place in Kerrville called Culver's, with Craig's brother and nephew (their pick). It was basicallly a burger joint, and I am pretty sure there wasn't much on the menu that was healthy. I did opt for a grilled chicken salad and got a side of sweet potato fries, which I am sure aren't as healthy as what I make, but I could have been WAY worse...then, they had this frozen custard ice creamy stuff and it was BAD tempting, so my husband and I got a kiddie size one and split it...so yea, I was proud of that effort! The next day at the hotel, breakfast options were a little dismal...waffles, breakfast "corndogs", fully sugared up instant oatmeal, muffins, you know, that sort of thing...unless you opted for the hard boiled eggs, which I did not--legal, but yuck! So, I did the best I could with a packet of oatmeal and an English muffin, knowing we had Fiesta Texas ahead of us. We got lunch to take at Subway, and I got a 6-inch Club...had some baked chips with it, which isn't great, but I could have gone for the footlong and regular chips, so relatively speaking, I didn't do too bad...Now, that night I was a little bad...but just a little. We went to Habaneros, which is a Freebird's-esque build-your-burrito-as-you-go type place. I got a burrito with some rice (a no-no) but I did have a wheat tortilla, beans, and steak, which were very yummy and okay! Of course, the chips for the salsa weren't so great, but I didn't have a ton of them. Sunday morning breakfast at the hotel was the same bleh offerings as the day before....but they did have what appeared to be a wheat bagel, so I opted for that. Probably way bigger than I should have had, but it was brown at least! Then at lunch we stopped in Blanco on the way to my parents and got gas and lunch at the Stripes station and store thingy. I was a good girl and opted for the grilled chicken salad they had in their cooler. Then was when I got a little bad later....tacos al carbon (3 on flour tortillas..oh, the shame!), refried beans (they had no charro option) and rice and more chips than I should have even thought about, out to eat Mexican food. Sure was good though! This morning, I didn't do a lot better, with 2 of these out-of-this-world biscuits my mom had, plus a donut hole, plus a little piece of the chocolate pie she made. But, I think had I not had any of that bad stuff, I'd have felt deprived. And I didn't go nutso or anything...just HAVE to get right back...which I sorta did at lunch..well, sorta. We ate at the Gristmill, an amazing place I havne't been to since I was a kid, in Gruene. I got the grilled tomatillo chicken breast with some pinto beans and it was AMAZING!!!! Then though, the bad part was the dessert...although we split it 5 ways, It was an awful lot of brownie, ice cream and deliciousness! But, we are back, and it's back to it..and I am good with that. I feel like my little cheats this weekend were minimal, and that they will help keep me on track. Moderation...Stacy REALLY needs to learn moderation!

Overall, this weekend was just the biggest blessing. I feel like it was a great ending to a great, but way too fast summer. Loved my time with my family, and I feel like we made some great memories and I cherish times like that. God IS good....ALL the time!!!

Testing 1.2.3.

So, this is just a little test of the mobile blogging system. If it were a real emergency, you would hear instructions blah blah blah....So, yea...just learning a few features of this whole blogger deal, so here is me, a few nights ago sittin in the lab. Exciting, yes, I know! Hopefully I will get better at this...

Weight loss good! Some other stuff...blah...

Well, I weighed in at 235 today. I was pretty jazzed about another pound down. I did get a Chick-Fil-A salad tonight, which was a bit of a cheat with the about 4 kernals of corn on it as well as the tortilla strips, but there really wasn't too much I was being bad with. We are pretty excited about going this weekend to San Antonio and then to see my parents later...so I hope I can behave, at least somewhat decently in the eating department while we are gone.

In other news...the blah part...I am just a little discouraged about my ministry job. I am almost done...less than a month, in fact. But, I just feel like I'm not doing a very good job, at least organization-wise, and I also feel a little frustrated with just not seeing my family nearly enough. That has to do with the lab job too, but just all of it together makes for a little bit of a blah evening. I am ready to not be stretched quite so thin. I am ready to be done with work when I clock out and go home. I am ready to be able to concentrate on my babies and be the momma they deserve. I do have to pay the bills, and I do have to get things done, but I really am ready for the season to change. And it will soon...but I am ready now.

You know, I have, for so long been so focused on vocational ministry. I want to serve the Lord. I have a gift here and there that surface that make it fun. There are even a couple of things I feel occasionally good at. But honestly...I am starting to lose that desire to minister for pay, and to be "inside" the church setting for ministry. I mean, I love my church..like crazy, in fact. And I love serving there, and I know the importance of worship and meeting together...don't intend to change a bit of that. However, I feel like my true ministry identity is changing somehow. I still am unsure some as to how, but I know it is. I have peace with moving on. I have peace with not being in "vocational ministry" again. Doesn't mean I won't be in ministry. Doesn't mean that I don't love Jesus with all my heart and want to serve. I just don't want to do it this way anymore. I feel like I need to be at church and serve as I can, but then go OUT for ministry...to be a fisher of man, rather than a keeper of the aquarium, as Howard Hendricks once said.

I do believe He is calling me to prayer, and to mommadom! So, I am gonna put on my big girl panties and dry up my tears of frustration. It doesn't take much to bring them on with me lately...I admit, I am struggling hard, with each and every thing I am obligated to for the next month. I admit that I am tired of my skin being so thin when it comes to ministry and church work. I am tired of the fact that thin skin has to be an issue.

So....guess I will keep on moving, however I can. Prayer and His Word, and loving people well. Prayer, His Word, and loving people well. Prayer, and His Word, and loving people well. This is what I am called to do.

Yay for bike rides and stealth mode around dogs!

Well, this morning, my friend Emily and I went on a bike ride when I got off of work, as we try to do as often as possible during the summer. Summer is good, because she is a teacher and has a little more time to play with, and since I am married to a teacher, it gives me a little more time to play with too. So, the last time we went out last week, I had NO energy because I had had hardly any carbs for like 2 weeks, and wouldn't you know it, a dog came out to chase us! It basically hit me, and it happened so fast, that I am not really sure what happened. I know there was a big thud-plunk-thud, and I kept right on going and a few yaps later and thuds after that, the dog was whimpering away on its way back to its yard. Not sure if I ripped its nose off in my spokes or what, but thankfully, it didn't cause a major catastrophe. So, this morning, I am a little squeemish about the whole dog possibility. Dogs would start running around and my heart would beat faster and then I'd pedal like crazy...only to realize that the dogs were in their FENCED yard, and couldn't get out, so then I'd relax and keep riding. Had this happen a few times, actually!

Emily and I had devised a plan though, for this dog that got me the last time and that was surely still around to come out after us again...although, I had no idea if it'd come out with a full nose or only a sliced up one from my spokes last week! We decided to cross the road, as it wasn't terribly busy early in the morning and ride against the traffic on the opposite side of the road from where the dog lived. A little scary to ride so illegally, but between the road noise and our distance, we made it past with no sign of the dog! Of course, it helped too, that if the dog WOULD have come after us, it would have had to cross the traffic and probably been hit...so, yea, score for us! We ARE smarter than than a junkyard dog!!

Of course, a little later, we got chased by a pretty dog, who thankfully stayed on the grass and just ran along beside us. This of course pushed me into interval training mode the likes of which I haven't seen in a while....I was pedaling like mad!!! And then a miniature weenie dog got after us too, but he was easily outrun...after all, his legs were like, an inch long at best!

Anyhow...slept like a baby after all that. We only covered 15 miles, but with the extra adrenaline of the dog issues, it was a great workout! Weighed in at wake up today at 236. Slowly but surely...slowly but surely!

Going well..

Well, so far so good this week on phase 2. I am much happier and more able to keep with this eating plan on phase 2....and my husband, who is also doing this, is happier too. I'd say much happier, but really, he's just happier with no superlative. He is still not enjoying this whole thing, but we need so much to get with it, so he has been doing well too. I weighed in at 236 this morning, so the loss isn't fast, but it is steady, which is a good thing I suppose. Tomorrow morning I am going on a bike ride with my friend, so that'll hopefully help too! I made some yummy sweet potato fries (in the oven) to go with our dinner tonight, and they were a treat! Can also eat some fat free, sugar free pudding, which helps too! I am hoping to get back with the running and biking thing too, so it all should work together to make less of me, which is a great thing!

As for trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up..well, I am still working on that one. I have been trying to spend more prayer time and Bible time, sometimes successfully, sometimes not--to try and figure some of this out, and where the Lord is leading me. Yesterday, I really felt Him just impressing on me how important my prayers are...to me, to draw me near to Him, but also the fact that He does hear them, and He does answer them. God Almighty, maker of everything wants to use the prayers of short, fat, often-useless Stacy to effect change. Okay...I'm in! I'm still not sure what all He wants to do with me, and what all He wants me to be pursuing, because I DO feel like there is more in the plans for how He may want to use me; but I DO KNOW that He wants me to pursue Him like crazy, on my own behalf and also on the behalves (is that a word?) of others as a prayer warrior. So, ok, Lord! Here I am....from my reading just a bit ago:
"I will praise You as long as I live, lifting my hands to You in prayer. You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise You with songs of joy! --Psalm 63:4-5
So....there! :-)

Goodbye, Phase 1...Hello Phase 2!

Well, it is officially day 15 of South Beach, and though I had a few cheats over the weekend (all fessed up to already in the previous entry), the first 14 days went well and I believe have me well on my way. I am doing pretty good in the moderation area, and I was good all day Sunday, so I feel like I am back on track. Now, to keep on keepin on and to stay that way! I hope to get my exercise on regularly again soon too...usually that is what kicks in easily, but with summer and all we are doing, it's been inconsistent at best...that's okay...I am eating up every minute of the time I have wiht my babies, because I know I will miss them all terribly when they are back at school. There should be (I hope) plenty of exercise time this fall...I am hoping to ride my trainer in the mornings when I get home from work before the kids wake up (did I talk about this already a few days ago?) and on Mondays when I am awake to do either a long run or long ride...and would love to start doing more running on the weekends...like with the kids alongside on their bikes. I am sure it will happen in it's time...so thankful....until next time, imaginary readers!

So....

So I haven't exactly behaved myself in the eating department this weekend...I mean, I wasn't out and out awful, but I wasn't exactly South Beach Phase 1 good either. Yesterday, day 12, I caved due to the fact I really just wanted to go out to eat and also due to the fact that I was working on about 3 hours of sleep total, that had been broken up into two different segments and I was stinkin tired! So, we went to Lupe's, which happens to be my kids' favorite, and I ate Mexican food. Not like drippin with cheese (I don't like cheese anyhow) enchiladas or a deep fried chimichanga or anything, but I did eat. I probably had about 25 chips, which is actually a huge improvement from my nearer to 25 basket of chips habit that used to be the norm. I also ate the 2 tortillas wrapped around my tacos al carbon too...another no-no. Oh yea...and I ate almost half of my rice too. Oooohhhhh....Dr. Agatson, I really blew it! BUT....I still feel like I did better than I used to. And I did get right back under control today...well, most of the day I did! Woke up and weighed in at 236.5, which is another pound down, thankfully, and proceeded to behave the rest of the day..until dinner. At dinner I wasn't awful. We went to Baytown Seafood, which initially I wasn't excited about, but it ended up being pretty good! I got grilled chicken and it came with a salad, vegetables, and some dirty rice. I ate about 4 bites of the dirty rice (a no no) but everything else I had was within reason I think, and then I brought home half my chicken. Oh...and I almost forgot the sweet potato fries! Not great, but still a better choice than regular fries would have been. So, like the country song says....I aint as good as I once was, but I'm as good as I ever was--or somethin along those lines anyway. I feel like I am learning how to live this in real life...the whole concept of "moderation" that seems to have escaped me somewhere along the way my whole life. I hope I am learning it anyway. I guess time will tell! So....hopefully tomorrow I can be good....I know I will try! Until then, imaginary readers....tata!!

Slowly but surely!

Well, today weigh in was at 237.5. It's not fast, but it's happening, and I am thankful. This morning my friend Emily and I went and rode bikes when I got off work...pretty sure I burned a lot of calories there, especially when a dog came out and chased us and hit my wheel! I am thinking I probably took its nose out with my spokes, so poor doggie...you go what you had coming, I guess! And thankfully, I was able to keep on riding! Officially its day 12 now on Phase 1, so it won't be long now til I get a few more options in my eating...so thankful for that! Have a lovely day, oh you imaginary readers o' mine, and I will check back in tomorrow!

Down a couple more....

Well, today weigh in was at 238...down a couple more from yesterday, so I am glad. Now if I can get consistent with my workouts, I will be set! So weird...usually its the other way around...my eating stinks and my working out is on like donkey kong! Have just had a hard time with consistency lately, I guess. I am doing good with the food thing...after this weekend I will start phase 2 of South Beach. Did some reading up on it today, and I think it'll be do-able. I can start adding in the healthy carbs slowly, and I am looking forward to that. Anyhow....until tomorrow!

Day 9 and feelin fine!

Okay, it's day 9, and I haven't misbehaved! I am getting pretty used to my eating plan now, although I am pretty excited for next week when I can reintroduce a few things...like some whole wheat crackers to eat my hummus on...or a little whole grain rice to add to the veggies...or whole grain bread to eat a sandwich on....or well...you get the picture! Phase 1 is doing its job, and I am getting in the groove, so phase 2 oughta be a piece of cake...well, not really cake, but you know! Weighed in at 240.5 today, so I am good with that....ttfn!

One week down!

Well, it's been one week of South Beach Phase 1, and so far, so good. No misbehavin, no cheats...it is looking like I have some momentum, which I am thankful for. The weight was like 242 this morning, but I am not despairing...I may have had more water or something, so it's all good. Got to ride my bike on the trainer last night while I played Super Mario with my family, and it was great! It has been a while since I had the bike on the trainer, but I actually really enjoyed it. I think I may try, when school starts, to ride when I get home from work early mornings before the kiddos get up, and then when its time for them to get up and go to school, I will have gotten in a workout. Sounds great, but of course, when I am tired coming home from work, the bed will be calling my name! Gonna try though! It is just too hard to try and figure out when to exercise in the afternoons, and right now, its too stinkin hot. And, the boys are gonna be having legit homework next year, being first graders, so we are going to have to make sure we put some effort and time into that for sure. Sure am looking forward to a day shift....someday!

Total Depravity

Weight update for blog purposes: Day 5, haven't misbehaved, and weighed in at 240 today...which is down a couple more....but....here is the more important stuff below:

The last about 48 hours, I have really seen a lot. A lot of great things for sure..like the love of my family and my friends, the smiles of my kids, and the refreshing feeling that comes from getting some sleep. I tell you what though....I have also seen example after example of the fallen world that we live in. Of course, working in a hospital you see lots of things; and of course, working in a hospital means I can't say anything specific about the things I see. But I can tell you this--in a lot of ways, this world is really messed up. We are really messed up, as people. I think the last 48 hours I witnessed that fallenness with more than one of my senses. I saw sights that made me wince, heard cries that broke my heart, felt the grip of desperation on my hand, and smelled things I would rather not have encountered. Some of these things are brought about by the choices we make. Some of them are totally out of our control. Some of them are inflicted on us by others. Some we inflict upon ourselves. Common thread to it all though is that there is a lot of brokenness and a lot of pain out there. This common thread of brokenness really was vivid to me the last night or so. It tore at my heart and occupied my mind. And, though it broke my heart, it also drove me to my knees. I am so thankful for times like these, that open my eyes to the hurt, to the pain. As much as these times hurt, they are beautiful, because it "breaks up my fallow ground" (Hosea 10:12) and shows me that truly...apart from Christ, we can do nothing (John 15:5). I mean, I know that, but knowing it and KNOWING it are two different things.
Times like this stir my heart and move me to action. Seeing the hurt in the world makes me mad...engages me in the battle. And I love that. There is One who is bigger than all these hurts, you know...One who sees every tear and cares about them all...and hey...I KNOW HIM! I believe He wants us to bring the Jesus in us to the world of hurt around us in whatever way we are able, and to be engaged in the battle wherever we are.
I believe He is using times like these to give me some peace and clarity. Most of you probably already know, that I made a really difficult decision at the beginning of this summer to step away from my job as the youth director at First Pres and to step away from vocational ministry. (at least for a time). Along with this decision has come a lot of sadness, anxiety, and I guess just a grieving for the end of this season. I know it's the right decision, but sometimes what's right isn't always easy. As much as I am looking forward to having my Friday nights and Sunday evenings free and not having trips each summer, and not failing anymore at the administrative tasks I am so bad at, I know I will miss the sweet times with kids, the feeling of being "somebody", and of feeling like my work has an eternal purpose. I will miss having that "front row seat", as I like to call it, to what the Lord is doing with the kids I work with. Not gonna lie--there have been many occasions since I shared the news with my youth that I have second-guessed this decision.

I will say though, that clarity and peace has settled on my spirit now though....through of all things, seeing the total depravity that we as humans live with and live in on a daily basis. Having the "front row seat" be for all this depravity helps me to know that there is a battle to be fought and a war to be engaged in, and I don't have to have the label of being in "vocational ministry" to be a part of it. It's a really, really important job to train your soldiers well....but it's also really important to be out in the battlefield too. (and please don't misunderstand....being in vocational ministry is still being on the battlefield--I KNOW this....but, in a different way, I know He can use me wherever I am, no matter what environment I am in.) As a follower of Jesus, and a part of the Body of Christ, who spends time in a secular environment, opportunity to be His hands and feet abound. It may be a well-timed smile, a kind word, or even prayers that are uttered that are only heard by His ears....but I can still be a light in a dark place. (Phillippians 2:12-16)

Not sure if any of this makes any sense or not. And if it doesn't, that's okay....it makes sense to me. It reminds me of the simple facts: People are messed up. God still loves us. God and God alone can fix what is messed up. And you know...really, that may be all I need to know.

What the heck?!

So, I am in the midst of day 3...though it is technically day 4, I guess, if you wanted to count "days", but for us night shifters, when days start and end is different than it is for the daywalking crowd. I am in the middle of the third waking cycle since beginning....hows that? Anyhow, my "what the heck" title refers to my weigh in from earlier today. Now, I know good and well weighing each day is really not a great idea...I mean, I could sneeze or go to the bathroom and things could totally change. But, of course, I am feeling like I'm behaving super well, and I had major intestinal distress last night (must be all the jicama I have been eating!) and in general I am just feeling like I am on track. The first day I was down several pounds, and now.....up .7 of a pound!! What the heck! I'm still behaving though....maybe I could sneeze and show a loss...guess we will see what tomorrow holds. For now, I am thankful I have been holding on and behaving. Here's to keepin on keepin on!

Has it really been over a year??

Wow! Has it really been over a year since I blogged? I guess I have been quite remiss in my blogging...due to a variety of things, of course. Three kiddos who are growing up way too quick, two jobs, about to be one with one that has changed in the last year, and well....the fact that I was well on my way out of lardbutt-dom and have found my way back...not really what I would like to be writing. But, it's time to call it like I see it and to get honest and to be back on track...hopefully, this time to stay!

I had lost about 50 pounds in the fall, getting me down nearly below 200 pounds for the first time since I have been a mom, about 7 years ago or so. Sad, yes, that getting down to 200 is so freaking exciting, but like I said...time to get honest and call it like it is. I was doing the whole Medifast thing in the fall, and took weight off quickly and was feeling pretty good about things. I was running, and did 2 half marathons, was able to run about 7 or 8 miles without walking (albeit slowly), did an MS150 in San Antonio in October, that was WAY better than the one in May, when I was carrying a ton more weight, and though I had started to gain weight back already, in April did the Houston to Austin MS150 ride and was able to finish the whole thing. Now, here we are, midway through June, and I have put back on nearly all that I had lost. Was back in the land of 250, SO not where I wanted to be....

It is amazing how different your outlook can be when you are off track, as opposed to what it is otherwise. I have struggled this past Spring and it has been tough. I started my new med teching job at a small, wonderful hospital in February, and that was really when the weight gain began in earnest. It's not the job's fault, but it did get my schedule out of what enough that regular exercise was more difficult to schedule and as a result my eating went out the window. Now, I am still riding my bike, but its more of a struggle than it was, and I can run, but my endurance (and what tiny bit of speed I had picked up) is pretty much totally shot. I am signed up for an MS150 AND a half marathon in October, and hope to do another half in November, so goals are set...it's time to GET BACK TO BUSINESS!!!

I have been wanting to of course, and had a little weight watchers stint, have tried unsuccessfully to medifast again, and that sort of thing, but what really has been motivationally helpful for me lately, was to read a crazy, funny, true book on my kindle that I got for free. It's called Half Assed by a gal of the name Jeannette Fulda, and its her story of having lost a ton of weight. Great, inspiring, and funny read! I found her blog (current one as well as her old one) as well as some other weight loss blogs, and I don't know..there is just something about the kinship you feel with someone who is struggling with your same struggle. It's like you can know that you aren't the only one out there who feels like a lardbutt and has tried umpteen thousand times to lose the weight, only to fail...but you can still keep trying and you CAN do it! I know Philippians 4:13 tells me that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me, but I think that sometimes I forget how true that is. ALL things...even losing weight! ALL things...My God is a big and mighty God...He is able.

So, back to this concept of "This is your life, are you who you wanna be"....well, actually no, I'm not. But Lord willing, I am moving in the right direction! I want to be a momma who lives to see her great grandchildren. I want to be a momma who is able to be there in every way for my kiddos for YEARS to come. I want to be a momma who can run around and race them and have fun with them. I want to be a momma my kids can be proud of. Now, I know that's not all about how much I weigh...my worth is in my Jesus, and that is THE most important thing...but I also know that He gave me this body to be a home for Himself...and I am really a bad housekeeper! Time to get outta the ghetto and get on with it!!

So, where am I and what am I doing?? Well....weighed in yesterday, in my 5'4-1/2" body at 246.1. I am trying to model my eating most closely after the South Beach Diet method of eating...a healthy, sustainable plan that seems do-able. I am on day 2 of phase 1, which is the part that is supposed to rid you of your sugar cravings...so far, so good! Today I weighed in at 243, and have behaved myself. I got some great new cookbooks that are quick and easy, superquick types with simple, fast recipes that don't use a lot of weird stuff, and that helps a lot. Of course, I just got a text that one of my boys just gagged and threw up his food after supper, because he isn't liking mommy's new food experiments very much! Last night I made a peppered chicken with a lemon sauce dish that came from a Quickie South Beach cookbook...and tonight was a turkey cutlet stir fry, with jicama and tomatoes and a salad. Oh, and can't forget the buttermilk lemon sherbet! Yum! Anyhow...I am trying to be a little more adventureous with my eating in hopes of making this fun. I am all about the fun, of course!

Well....I suppose thats it for now. I hope to get more regular with my blogging again! I really don't even care if nobody ever sees it, it helps me to process this journey, as well as have a record of it. So, here's to losing about 100 pounds of me, however long it takes to do it! Wahooooo!!!!!!!