Total Depravity

Weight update for blog purposes: Day 5, haven't misbehaved, and weighed in at 240 today...which is down a couple more....but....here is the more important stuff below:

The last about 48 hours, I have really seen a lot. A lot of great things for sure..like the love of my family and my friends, the smiles of my kids, and the refreshing feeling that comes from getting some sleep. I tell you what though....I have also seen example after example of the fallen world that we live in. Of course, working in a hospital you see lots of things; and of course, working in a hospital means I can't say anything specific about the things I see. But I can tell you this--in a lot of ways, this world is really messed up. We are really messed up, as people. I think the last 48 hours I witnessed that fallenness with more than one of my senses. I saw sights that made me wince, heard cries that broke my heart, felt the grip of desperation on my hand, and smelled things I would rather not have encountered. Some of these things are brought about by the choices we make. Some of them are totally out of our control. Some of them are inflicted on us by others. Some we inflict upon ourselves. Common thread to it all though is that there is a lot of brokenness and a lot of pain out there. This common thread of brokenness really was vivid to me the last night or so. It tore at my heart and occupied my mind. And, though it broke my heart, it also drove me to my knees. I am so thankful for times like these, that open my eyes to the hurt, to the pain. As much as these times hurt, they are beautiful, because it "breaks up my fallow ground" (Hosea 10:12) and shows me that truly...apart from Christ, we can do nothing (John 15:5). I mean, I know that, but knowing it and KNOWING it are two different things.
Times like this stir my heart and move me to action. Seeing the hurt in the world makes me mad...engages me in the battle. And I love that. There is One who is bigger than all these hurts, you know...One who sees every tear and cares about them all...and hey...I KNOW HIM! I believe He wants us to bring the Jesus in us to the world of hurt around us in whatever way we are able, and to be engaged in the battle wherever we are.
I believe He is using times like these to give me some peace and clarity. Most of you probably already know, that I made a really difficult decision at the beginning of this summer to step away from my job as the youth director at First Pres and to step away from vocational ministry. (at least for a time). Along with this decision has come a lot of sadness, anxiety, and I guess just a grieving for the end of this season. I know it's the right decision, but sometimes what's right isn't always easy. As much as I am looking forward to having my Friday nights and Sunday evenings free and not having trips each summer, and not failing anymore at the administrative tasks I am so bad at, I know I will miss the sweet times with kids, the feeling of being "somebody", and of feeling like my work has an eternal purpose. I will miss having that "front row seat", as I like to call it, to what the Lord is doing with the kids I work with. Not gonna lie--there have been many occasions since I shared the news with my youth that I have second-guessed this decision.

I will say though, that clarity and peace has settled on my spirit now though....through of all things, seeing the total depravity that we as humans live with and live in on a daily basis. Having the "front row seat" be for all this depravity helps me to know that there is a battle to be fought and a war to be engaged in, and I don't have to have the label of being in "vocational ministry" to be a part of it. It's a really, really important job to train your soldiers well....but it's also really important to be out in the battlefield too. (and please don't misunderstand....being in vocational ministry is still being on the battlefield--I KNOW this....but, in a different way, I know He can use me wherever I am, no matter what environment I am in.) As a follower of Jesus, and a part of the Body of Christ, who spends time in a secular environment, opportunity to be His hands and feet abound. It may be a well-timed smile, a kind word, or even prayers that are uttered that are only heard by His ears....but I can still be a light in a dark place. (Phillippians 2:12-16)

Not sure if any of this makes any sense or not. And if it doesn't, that's okay....it makes sense to me. It reminds me of the simple facts: People are messed up. God still loves us. God and God alone can fix what is messed up. And you know...really, that may be all I need to know.