Sometimes this whole concept of "seasons" of life sucks...I know that sounds crass, but I just have to put it where it is. I am in a crappy "season" right now, and it is getting more and more difficult to deal with at times. I know I am loved by the Lord, and I know He has a plan for me. I am blessed beyond belief by my babies, and I couldn't be more thankful for the gift of being their mommy....so I really need to get out of this funk.
Much of the time, though I know its not intended as anything of the sort, I feel very....hmmmm..inept? irrelevant perhaps. not necessary. useless....yep..all of those seem to hit it where it is--and it hurts.
I feel that way in pretty much every area of my life, except with my kids, where I KNOW I am needed. I may not be the world's best mom...but at least I know I really am needed there, and I haven't screwed that up too too bad (yet...hopefully I won't!)I used to feel like I had something to offer. Gifts and talents that were needed. But lately, I just feel that everyone is afraid I am too overloaded and will drop the ball and screw things up. I don't necessarily think that perception is 100% accurate, but I nevertheless, the perception is there and I am affected by it. Which makes me go: maybe I am inept. Maybe I am a screw-up. Maybe I don't really ahve that much to offer.
Painful, raw, depressing stuff, I know. Probably too much honesty for a blog. But you know what...that is where I am. I have to own it and turn to the Lord and pray He will make sense of things and make it all clear to me. I know He created me with a purpose. I know He wants to use me...He wants to use all of us in some way. So, I will keep on keepin on and wait on Him...trying to hear His voice more than I hear the others.
Lord, please help me. I am hurting, and I need Your help. I want to be useful..and the I need to understand that as long as I am doing what is pleasing to You, I am on the right path. "Your grace is sufficient for me, for Your power is made perfect in weakness.....that is why I delight in weakenesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
1 comment:
Hey sweet lady - was just perusing your blog and this one broke my heart. You are an incredible person! Really awesome! That special something is what John and I noticed the minute we first saw you. You are absolutely NOT inept in any way - people just love and care about you and don't want to see you burn out or get sick. The church needs to spread some of the responsibility around a bit for helping with our youth, but we could never replace you. You have such a love for Christ and that spark always shows and gets the kids really revved - you have a lot of special gifts. Please know you are always in our prayers and John and I are here for ya! We love you and your beautiful family and it is a pleasure to be your friends.
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