I know I should be pouring out my heart before the Lord instead of to all the people who don't read this blog, but in getting my feelings out here, I feel I am pouring out my heart to Him. Don't know if that counts or not, but I just need to get some things out. Not major, crazy, earth-shattering things, but things that hurt my heart, nevertheless.
I hate to be so negative lately....I really don't like what I've allowed my circumstances to do to me, in that I seem to be frustrated and depressed and all that sort of stuff lately, feeling like there is no way out of crappy circumstances. I know so much is in my attitude, and in my heart about things....and I am struggling to try and reclaim the joy I know is mine in Christ, and that is a gift I have always, ever since I can remember, enjoyed in abundance...until oh, maybe the last 10 or so years...it's been there, but only in fits and spurts the last 10 years. I am struggling with that fact.
The place we are in life is so much a function of the choices we make all along the way. Maybe not everything, but enough that at my age of 36, there are a lot of choices to look back on and either probably feel pretty darn good (which is not the case with me) or to feel extraordinarily crappy about where I am--primarily as a result of poor choices on my part. I don't think I'm a horrible person or anything...but I have really screwed up my life, and don't seem to have much to show for it, and that seems such a waste.
I can go back a long way...to when I took the easy way out way back in school and didn't take any more math than I had to...and my laziness ended up putting me behind once I got to college in some ways. I mean, I did the calculus and all that, but not easily, that's for sure! And try as I might when I got to Texas A&M, I struggled like crazy. I majored in Biomedical Science, and though I never made below a "C", I made lots, and lots of C's...enough that I didn't feel I had any hope of a chance at going to medical school or to PA school or something like that, that I had intended when I began. I settled for Medical Technology school....yes, it was at the best medical technology school around and it was a great choice for many, I'm sure, but ho-hum is about all I can say about it. I settled because there were no tuition and no fees and a stipend paid to all the students...and because I got in...like 8 students of 100 or so applicants who got in. This must be it, right? Well, I was excited and poured myself into school and did pretty well at it. I think I tried to even think I was all into at one time...but now, I can look back and know it was settling. Maybe a year after I began working in the field, though I enjoyed my job and that sort of thing, I was already looking at what else I could do....medical school? nursing school? graduate program of some sort? Yep....I was restless, and I had settled. What I truly loved was ministry--and had discovered youth ministry along the way. Now THAT was my passion. That was truly what I loved to do! I felt gifted for it, and I enjoyed it so much, that it didn't feel like work. What a deal. I wished many, many, times that I hadn't have settled for the "safe" career choice and that I'd have gone to seminary back then, after I got out of A&M. But, once you are on your own and supporting yourself and paying bills like a real grown up, well.....there goes a dream; another one bites the dust.
So....a few years go by, and I am getting quite restless with my state of singleness. I feel quite certain I will NEVER meet anyone who will love me...will never meet anyone who will want to spend their life with me. At the ripe old age of 25, I felt certain I was never to know what it meant to be loved, within the context of a marriage, that was. See, at 25, when like 2 or 3 friends call you with the wonderful news that they are engaged, it feels like it's 200 or 300 friends, and you start to truly feel a part of the minority...and very much alone. I had known what it was to love and to be loved once before...and really, honestly, it was a good thing it ended, because I'm sure I'd have been divorced LONG ago had it worked out! It probably truly wasn't meant to be.....but, that kind of love, that kind of being passionate about another person--that's not something you can conjure up because you feel like it. You might try and you might just fool yourself for awhile, but it's not going to go the long haul and keep you warm at night when you feel very much alone in the midst of a relationship. You can't sustain self-conjured up emotion for the distance....it just doesn't work, and try as you might, eventually, you end up drained and alone when you realize the death of another dream....a BIG dream....because of settling. Once again...my own choice, which has led me down a path I'd really rather not travel.
So, life goes on, and you DO have glimpses of joy...the things that make it seem all okay again--that let you know that the Lord can indeed redeem our choices. The smiles of precious little angels and their sweet, sweet laughter. Their little voices singing and their tiny arms around my neck...their sweet little wet kisses and what can melt my heart more than ANYTHING ever, ever could. Oh Lord, You ARE a redeemer....I KNOW that everytime I look into their faces. Everytime I hear their voices. You can and do redeem our poor choices. With dreams that have died have also come blessings that I could have never imagined...and I am grateful...really, I am!
And then, you think you have it together. You think things are coming together again, and the rug sorta gets pulled out from under you. I assumed too much. I thought I had it all together. I was working toward something, and I guess I have too much pride or something, because for some reason, I am supposed to be falling now....and its' hard. The death of a dream.
Honestly, I don't know where to turn right now. I feel very alone and well....like a failure. I've felt that more times in my life than I care to recount, but this time....well....it just hurts, that I've made choices...all of them, in my life, that have collectively brought me here. I'm sure I'll be okay. God is good and I know He loves me and will never leave me. I know He has a plan. Ultimately, I know it'll all be okay....but dangit.....I sure would love to have some of that abundant life in the here and now that Jesus talks about in John 10:10!
Finances....marriage....career...school...passions....oh the choices we have....and what choices we make can make the difference between the death of a dream and abundant life. Oh Lord....please, please help me not to screw this life up anymore than I already have....I so need You, and I want to walk where You lead me. I hold on to Your hope--I've really made a mess of this first 36 years...I pray I may make better choices, and see Your redemption in the next 36!
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