Monday, October 20, 2008
Can I do it???
Okay....I have to admit it: I am crazy jealous (in a good way...not in a vicious evil sort of way!) of all my runner and athletic friends...skinny ones too, of course! I am jealous in an "I-am-inspired-and-encouraged-to-do-better" sort of a way, and I want to challenge myself.I had never been terribly athletic growing up. I mean, I played softball as a kid on a league and did pretty well and had fun with it, and I lived to jump rope and run around and ride my bike and that sort of a thing, but I was never like the super athlete, play on a team, crazy granola girl type. And I used to remark that the only time I'd run was when being chased...which was pretty much..uh...never...so, that was that for the whole running thing.Until later...like, oh, bout 1995ish or so. I was in medical technology school at Methodist Hospital in Houston, and my lab coat was rather...um...well, it was getting tough to button! You know when your scrubs start to stretch across your bootay, things are a little out of control! Too many Double Dave's pizza rolls at A&M, too long of having an apartment next to Shipley donuts in college, and too much studying and eating until all hours of the night in med tech school were catching up...not to mention that at the ripe old age of ...what was it then, like 22 or 23...my metabolism was at the slowest rate I'd seen to date. and thus, the weight wars began!!I started running when I was in med tech school, living in the medical center in Favrot Hell...um, Hall that is. There was a little workout room in the basement and I'd trek down the 11 floors down to there and walk on the treadmill, and then started running. I distinctly remember that was when I learned the lesson to not close your eyes on a treadmill, as I was "relaxing" (or some such attempt) and ended up on the floor behind the treadmill, which I'm sure was quite a sight! I worked myself up to being able to run a mile and a half on the treadmill and thought I was like a crazy running machine! For a fat girl who had never gone more than like 2 feet, that was pretty good! Then, my friend Scott Gogulski who lived down the hall from me, and about my only English-speaking friend in the dorm, who was an Aggie to boot, took me to Memorial Park to try to run there. I thought Scott was sorta cute too, which helped...and between that motivation and just being out in the fresh air with the wind on my face, I managed to run my first 3 miles without stopping to walk. I REALLY felt like a running machine then! I continued to run the rest of med tech school and then when I moved to Brenham, I ran some there as well, but never quite as regularly as I did during that year in Houston, when I'd go out pretty much every day after class and run the perimeter of Rice. Which, incidentally, was another place I landed flat on my face, after tripping on a big tree root at the corner of Greenbriar and University, I think it was. Of course, it was on a baseball game day with lots of traffic that saw me too....lovely! Yes, I am graceful!So, I ran off and on in my years in Brenham, and took it up pretty steadily to lose weight for my wedding in 1998. As in the past, the running began as a quest to lose weight, but ended up being something I did just because it felt so good and I enjoyed it so much. I took a little hiatus when I moved to Lake Jackson, adjusting to being married and new job, and all the changes in my life, and then took it back up again, of course to lose weight, which I did, but of course just started to enjoy it again. Feeling like a machine again, I decided I wanted to do a marathon. It would give me a goal to work toward and I just wanted to do it..sounded like fun!So, I trained and worked hard and was signed up for Austin, when my husband lost his job and our world fell apart for a little while. Too many hours of work for me and trying to hold things together meant no trip to Austin, where I was expecting to run in about 5-1/2 hours. I was in decent shape then, and LOVED the whole running thing, was addicted! I got up to a 23-mile long run before the trip got derailed and I began to get fat again. yeech.So life levels out, everyone is gainfully employed again, and I begin to work for Young Life...which has a lot of beautiful and athletic people...and a lot of good food too! Not to mention the "hey, let me take you out for a milkshake" that I loved so much in contact work with kids. and I gain more weight.I still had the marathon bug and decided I wanted to for sure run one before I had kids.....fat me or no fat me! So, I sign up for the San Diego Rock and Roll marathon in 2003 and ran it and LOVED it. It took me 6-1/2 hours to do, but it was awesomely fun and I felt like I had accomplished so much by finishing it. I was then going to run the Disney marathon when we were in Florida in January of 2004, but found out I was pregnant right before we left on the trip....I decided not to run, seeing as how I had had pregnancy problems aplenty in the past, and it was totally worth it, of course.....little did I know, I was carrying not one but two babies, which turned out to be my Barrett and Silas, who are 4 now. (when did that happen....that so feels like yesterday!).So, fast forward (this is becoming quite a long note, huh...I guess I'm longwinded!) past 6 weeks of bedrest in the hospital having the boys in August of 2004, learning to be a parent with a litter of kids to start with, and then having Gabriella in September of 2006. Three babies in two years is hard on a body! It's really hard when you are trying to do so much by yourself and don't get out much, except to work. It's really tough on the body...hence, there aren't really any recent pictures of me up on here! A few years of stress eating and only getting to exercise every now and then has taken its toll, as most who know me up close and personal the last several years can probably see and attest to. So, here I am....I want to begin to get this body in some sort of working order again. I miss running and all the cool things that go with it! I know I'll never be fast, but it would be enough for me to feel that sense of accomplishment that comes when you hit your stride and it feels fun instead of painful! I love the sore you get after a good run....and feeling your blood pump...and also feeling like you are using the gift you have been given in this body to its fullest potential. The Lord, I believe, is honored when we take care of the Temple He's given us....and honestly, my Temple has looked abandoned for years now....like I'm thinking this Temple is in major disrepair....and it's time to do something about it!So, what is one to do when you are a mom to 3 kids under the age of 5 and pretty much the only time you are able to get out is when the kids are sleeping? How do you work 2 jobs and take care of a home, mostly on your own, and wear all the hats you have to wear to do it? Others do it....I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm ready to start trying something new...because what I'm trying for the last several years isn't working so well.I'm not an early-riser kind of a person....I may STAY UP til 4 am regularly, but rarely will I GET up at that time. But it seems to me, that many of the folks who juggle all these sorts of things do the get up early and get out there deal. Can I do it? I don't know...Craig leaves for work at 6 am now...If I can get this ample butt of mine out of bed and out the door by say 5, I could get in a decent run/walk/whatever it becomes and be home by 6 in time for him to leave. Can I do it? I don't know, but I want to try. So, why did I just put all this here? Well....it gives me some accountability, I suppose. If I can get to bed before say, 2 or 3 am, I bet I could do it. I bet I will feel better. I bet it will benefit me in more ways than I can list. I really, really want to try! I am just coming off of 3 night shifts now and working on maybe about 8 hours of sleep since last Thursday....so, its probably not going to start tomorrow. But, maybe, just maybe, it can start the next day. Big butt out of bed, big butt out the door....that's all it takes, and then one foot in front of the other. Can I do it? I don't know, but I'm going to try! All I can do is try!! I'll post back in a few days and keep my accountability going! Even if no one takes time to read this (and honestly, you probably have better things to spend your time on!) but, at least I put it out there for me to see...and to work toward...and to try. Can I do it??? I don't know, but I'm going to try.....we'll see!!!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Aaahhhh......ROUTINE!
How sweet it is! Routine, that is! We have been living in a topsy-turvey world for the last 2 weeks, since dear old Hurricane Ike came to visit us. Schools not open, unable to work, except at the hospital, and a crazy existence that has just felt plain weird.
Today, my husband went back to work at school, as they are open for students for the first time since the storm tomorrow. Yay!
Today, my kids went back to preschool, first time they have been open since the storm. Yay!
Today, I went back to work at church. First time we've had power since the storm. Yay!
Today, I got up a little early and spent time with the Lord for the first time in awhile....I have been sorely undisciplined to do so lately...at least first thing in the morning. It was sweet. There is nothing better than to sit at His feet to begin the day....and continue the day, of course, too. I got myself a new study to work on for awhile. It's a Beth Moore study called "Jesus"....big book with journaling and readings and stuff for each day. I am more used to following my own plan, whatever it may be at a given time, but right now, I am needing and craving the structure a study like that brings. As I said....routine is beautiful!
I never thought I'd be so about a routine. We always in this world seem to get so wrapped up into things being different or "changing up the motonony" and so forth.....well, we got a good dose of that here on the Texas coast, compliments of Ike. My area less so than many others, but he still packed a good enough wallop to change our status quo and to change it up a lot! It's sort of exciting for a few days....crazy as it sounds.....the evacuation, the battening everything down, the staying up all night to watch the storm on tv while you are away...sorta neat for an adrenaline junkie, such as myself. But then, when you return, its hard to not have that routine thing....no school, no stores, no gas, no work, no anything that seems like the life you left behind a few days before. We had power at least....much more than you can say for many others around our community, but still, life was definitely interrupted.
And now, here we are! I am convinced that we serve a God who is all about ORDER. We are made in His image, and whether we realize it or not, He created us with a sense of order that works so much better to function with than the chaos we are in...whether created by ourselves or by circumstances beyond our control. You don't realize the beauty of the order until its gone for a time. And then are so thankful for it to return!
I woke up feeling more hope today than I have in awhile....more optimism, more joy, and just a general feeling that "its going to be okay!" Lord, help me to hold onto this feeling, which I know is only from You! Help me to live in the order You have created, and to walk with You. It's gonna be okay....I just need to trust and obey...and it will be okay!
Think I'll head to the gym now.....gotta be some order to this body of mine, now!
Today, my husband went back to work at school, as they are open for students for the first time since the storm tomorrow. Yay!
Today, my kids went back to preschool, first time they have been open since the storm. Yay!
Today, I went back to work at church. First time we've had power since the storm. Yay!
Today, I got up a little early and spent time with the Lord for the first time in awhile....I have been sorely undisciplined to do so lately...at least first thing in the morning. It was sweet. There is nothing better than to sit at His feet to begin the day....and continue the day, of course, too. I got myself a new study to work on for awhile. It's a Beth Moore study called "Jesus"....big book with journaling and readings and stuff for each day. I am more used to following my own plan, whatever it may be at a given time, but right now, I am needing and craving the structure a study like that brings. As I said....routine is beautiful!
I never thought I'd be so about a routine. We always in this world seem to get so wrapped up into things being different or "changing up the motonony" and so forth.....well, we got a good dose of that here on the Texas coast, compliments of Ike. My area less so than many others, but he still packed a good enough wallop to change our status quo and to change it up a lot! It's sort of exciting for a few days....crazy as it sounds.....the evacuation, the battening everything down, the staying up all night to watch the storm on tv while you are away...sorta neat for an adrenaline junkie, such as myself. But then, when you return, its hard to not have that routine thing....no school, no stores, no gas, no work, no anything that seems like the life you left behind a few days before. We had power at least....much more than you can say for many others around our community, but still, life was definitely interrupted.
And now, here we are! I am convinced that we serve a God who is all about ORDER. We are made in His image, and whether we realize it or not, He created us with a sense of order that works so much better to function with than the chaos we are in...whether created by ourselves or by circumstances beyond our control. You don't realize the beauty of the order until its gone for a time. And then are so thankful for it to return!
I woke up feeling more hope today than I have in awhile....more optimism, more joy, and just a general feeling that "its going to be okay!" Lord, help me to hold onto this feeling, which I know is only from You! Help me to live in the order You have created, and to walk with You. It's gonna be okay....I just need to trust and obey...and it will be okay!
Think I'll head to the gym now.....gotta be some order to this body of mine, now!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Time to change
Okay...time to get a few things in order, so that I can feel better about things. I am still in a bit of a crappy funk, but I am determined to plow through and let the Lord work in me and through me.
There are a lot of things about my life I cannot change: the choices I have made that have brought me here, as well as the circumstances and person I might like to change. Those things are just givens and it isn't within my power to change them. I can pray and let go of the past and that sort of thing, but I can only be responsible for who I am, and the choices I make. So, I am going to commit afresh to making better choices and trying to get back into control the things I DO have control over!
So, here goes:
1. Exercise!!!!!! This is always a mood lifter as well as motivation for me to behave myself on eating. It's a much healthier stress release than is Blue Bell milk chocolate! I need to get back to the gym, get back to walking, and get back with it....consistently!
2. Eating better: Smaller portions, healthier stuff. I need to cut out the fried/high carby junk I have been living on lately....cut out the fast food. Cut out the monster portions. I need to eat like a human and not the ginormous elephant/whale I have become. Part of this is going to be painful---It pains me greatly, but I HAVE to give up chocolate. I don't know if it's forever or for a season, but me and chocolate go round and round and round...and it seems to win everytime! I gave it up for the 6 weeks of lent and made it. I should be able to make it longer than that, as long as I get it out of my system and stay away from it.
3. Staying off of this stinking computer....I don't waste time with TV, but I am really bad about the internet. I need to limit myself to like 5 minutes, unless I'm working on something specific. I also need to not be on during the day when my kids are awake, unless again, I am working on something that specifically needs working on.
4. Try to do the fly-lady cleaning stuff around here....baby steps to get this house in some sort of an order!
5. Quit negative talk....especially about a certain someone who drives me batty...instead, pray! (way more easier said than done!)
6. And last, but really, really not least...in fact, this should have been way at the top of the list: Draw near to the Lord and spend more consistent time with Him......When I seek Him first, the rest seems to work so much better.....amazing, isnt' it!
It's Monday now....so, time to hop to it! No better time than now! Lord, please help me!
There are a lot of things about my life I cannot change: the choices I have made that have brought me here, as well as the circumstances and person I might like to change. Those things are just givens and it isn't within my power to change them. I can pray and let go of the past and that sort of thing, but I can only be responsible for who I am, and the choices I make. So, I am going to commit afresh to making better choices and trying to get back into control the things I DO have control over!
So, here goes:
1. Exercise!!!!!! This is always a mood lifter as well as motivation for me to behave myself on eating. It's a much healthier stress release than is Blue Bell milk chocolate! I need to get back to the gym, get back to walking, and get back with it....consistently!
2. Eating better: Smaller portions, healthier stuff. I need to cut out the fried/high carby junk I have been living on lately....cut out the fast food. Cut out the monster portions. I need to eat like a human and not the ginormous elephant/whale I have become. Part of this is going to be painful---It pains me greatly, but I HAVE to give up chocolate. I don't know if it's forever or for a season, but me and chocolate go round and round and round...and it seems to win everytime! I gave it up for the 6 weeks of lent and made it. I should be able to make it longer than that, as long as I get it out of my system and stay away from it.
3. Staying off of this stinking computer....I don't waste time with TV, but I am really bad about the internet. I need to limit myself to like 5 minutes, unless I'm working on something specific. I also need to not be on during the day when my kids are awake, unless again, I am working on something that specifically needs working on.
4. Try to do the fly-lady cleaning stuff around here....baby steps to get this house in some sort of an order!
5. Quit negative talk....especially about a certain someone who drives me batty...instead, pray! (way more easier said than done!)
6. And last, but really, really not least...in fact, this should have been way at the top of the list: Draw near to the Lord and spend more consistent time with Him......When I seek Him first, the rest seems to work so much better.....amazing, isnt' it!
It's Monday now....so, time to hop to it! No better time than now! Lord, please help me!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The death of dreams
I know I should be pouring out my heart before the Lord instead of to all the people who don't read this blog, but in getting my feelings out here, I feel I am pouring out my heart to Him. Don't know if that counts or not, but I just need to get some things out. Not major, crazy, earth-shattering things, but things that hurt my heart, nevertheless.
I hate to be so negative lately....I really don't like what I've allowed my circumstances to do to me, in that I seem to be frustrated and depressed and all that sort of stuff lately, feeling like there is no way out of crappy circumstances. I know so much is in my attitude, and in my heart about things....and I am struggling to try and reclaim the joy I know is mine in Christ, and that is a gift I have always, ever since I can remember, enjoyed in abundance...until oh, maybe the last 10 or so years...it's been there, but only in fits and spurts the last 10 years. I am struggling with that fact.
The place we are in life is so much a function of the choices we make all along the way. Maybe not everything, but enough that at my age of 36, there are a lot of choices to look back on and either probably feel pretty darn good (which is not the case with me) or to feel extraordinarily crappy about where I am--primarily as a result of poor choices on my part. I don't think I'm a horrible person or anything...but I have really screwed up my life, and don't seem to have much to show for it, and that seems such a waste.
I can go back a long way...to when I took the easy way out way back in school and didn't take any more math than I had to...and my laziness ended up putting me behind once I got to college in some ways. I mean, I did the calculus and all that, but not easily, that's for sure! And try as I might when I got to Texas A&M, I struggled like crazy. I majored in Biomedical Science, and though I never made below a "C", I made lots, and lots of C's...enough that I didn't feel I had any hope of a chance at going to medical school or to PA school or something like that, that I had intended when I began. I settled for Medical Technology school....yes, it was at the best medical technology school around and it was a great choice for many, I'm sure, but ho-hum is about all I can say about it. I settled because there were no tuition and no fees and a stipend paid to all the students...and because I got in...like 8 students of 100 or so applicants who got in. This must be it, right? Well, I was excited and poured myself into school and did pretty well at it. I think I tried to even think I was all into at one time...but now, I can look back and know it was settling. Maybe a year after I began working in the field, though I enjoyed my job and that sort of thing, I was already looking at what else I could do....medical school? nursing school? graduate program of some sort? Yep....I was restless, and I had settled. What I truly loved was ministry--and had discovered youth ministry along the way. Now THAT was my passion. That was truly what I loved to do! I felt gifted for it, and I enjoyed it so much, that it didn't feel like work. What a deal. I wished many, many, times that I hadn't have settled for the "safe" career choice and that I'd have gone to seminary back then, after I got out of A&M. But, once you are on your own and supporting yourself and paying bills like a real grown up, well.....there goes a dream; another one bites the dust.
So....a few years go by, and I am getting quite restless with my state of singleness. I feel quite certain I will NEVER meet anyone who will love me...will never meet anyone who will want to spend their life with me. At the ripe old age of 25, I felt certain I was never to know what it meant to be loved, within the context of a marriage, that was. See, at 25, when like 2 or 3 friends call you with the wonderful news that they are engaged, it feels like it's 200 or 300 friends, and you start to truly feel a part of the minority...and very much alone. I had known what it was to love and to be loved once before...and really, honestly, it was a good thing it ended, because I'm sure I'd have been divorced LONG ago had it worked out! It probably truly wasn't meant to be.....but, that kind of love, that kind of being passionate about another person--that's not something you can conjure up because you feel like it. You might try and you might just fool yourself for awhile, but it's not going to go the long haul and keep you warm at night when you feel very much alone in the midst of a relationship. You can't sustain self-conjured up emotion for the distance....it just doesn't work, and try as you might, eventually, you end up drained and alone when you realize the death of another dream....a BIG dream....because of settling. Once again...my own choice, which has led me down a path I'd really rather not travel.
So, life goes on, and you DO have glimpses of joy...the things that make it seem all okay again--that let you know that the Lord can indeed redeem our choices. The smiles of precious little angels and their sweet, sweet laughter. Their little voices singing and their tiny arms around my neck...their sweet little wet kisses and what can melt my heart more than ANYTHING ever, ever could. Oh Lord, You ARE a redeemer....I KNOW that everytime I look into their faces. Everytime I hear their voices. You can and do redeem our poor choices. With dreams that have died have also come blessings that I could have never imagined...and I am grateful...really, I am!
And then, you think you have it together. You think things are coming together again, and the rug sorta gets pulled out from under you. I assumed too much. I thought I had it all together. I was working toward something, and I guess I have too much pride or something, because for some reason, I am supposed to be falling now....and its' hard. The death of a dream.
Honestly, I don't know where to turn right now. I feel very alone and well....like a failure. I've felt that more times in my life than I care to recount, but this time....well....it just hurts, that I've made choices...all of them, in my life, that have collectively brought me here. I'm sure I'll be okay. God is good and I know He loves me and will never leave me. I know He has a plan. Ultimately, I know it'll all be okay....but dangit.....I sure would love to have some of that abundant life in the here and now that Jesus talks about in John 10:10!
Finances....marriage....career...school...passions....oh the choices we have....and what choices we make can make the difference between the death of a dream and abundant life. Oh Lord....please, please help me not to screw this life up anymore than I already have....I so need You, and I want to walk where You lead me. I hold on to Your hope--I've really made a mess of this first 36 years...I pray I may make better choices, and see Your redemption in the next 36!
I hate to be so negative lately....I really don't like what I've allowed my circumstances to do to me, in that I seem to be frustrated and depressed and all that sort of stuff lately, feeling like there is no way out of crappy circumstances. I know so much is in my attitude, and in my heart about things....and I am struggling to try and reclaim the joy I know is mine in Christ, and that is a gift I have always, ever since I can remember, enjoyed in abundance...until oh, maybe the last 10 or so years...it's been there, but only in fits and spurts the last 10 years. I am struggling with that fact.
The place we are in life is so much a function of the choices we make all along the way. Maybe not everything, but enough that at my age of 36, there are a lot of choices to look back on and either probably feel pretty darn good (which is not the case with me) or to feel extraordinarily crappy about where I am--primarily as a result of poor choices on my part. I don't think I'm a horrible person or anything...but I have really screwed up my life, and don't seem to have much to show for it, and that seems such a waste.
I can go back a long way...to when I took the easy way out way back in school and didn't take any more math than I had to...and my laziness ended up putting me behind once I got to college in some ways. I mean, I did the calculus and all that, but not easily, that's for sure! And try as I might when I got to Texas A&M, I struggled like crazy. I majored in Biomedical Science, and though I never made below a "C", I made lots, and lots of C's...enough that I didn't feel I had any hope of a chance at going to medical school or to PA school or something like that, that I had intended when I began. I settled for Medical Technology school....yes, it was at the best medical technology school around and it was a great choice for many, I'm sure, but ho-hum is about all I can say about it. I settled because there were no tuition and no fees and a stipend paid to all the students...and because I got in...like 8 students of 100 or so applicants who got in. This must be it, right? Well, I was excited and poured myself into school and did pretty well at it. I think I tried to even think I was all into at one time...but now, I can look back and know it was settling. Maybe a year after I began working in the field, though I enjoyed my job and that sort of thing, I was already looking at what else I could do....medical school? nursing school? graduate program of some sort? Yep....I was restless, and I had settled. What I truly loved was ministry--and had discovered youth ministry along the way. Now THAT was my passion. That was truly what I loved to do! I felt gifted for it, and I enjoyed it so much, that it didn't feel like work. What a deal. I wished many, many, times that I hadn't have settled for the "safe" career choice and that I'd have gone to seminary back then, after I got out of A&M. But, once you are on your own and supporting yourself and paying bills like a real grown up, well.....there goes a dream; another one bites the dust.
So....a few years go by, and I am getting quite restless with my state of singleness. I feel quite certain I will NEVER meet anyone who will love me...will never meet anyone who will want to spend their life with me. At the ripe old age of 25, I felt certain I was never to know what it meant to be loved, within the context of a marriage, that was. See, at 25, when like 2 or 3 friends call you with the wonderful news that they are engaged, it feels like it's 200 or 300 friends, and you start to truly feel a part of the minority...and very much alone. I had known what it was to love and to be loved once before...and really, honestly, it was a good thing it ended, because I'm sure I'd have been divorced LONG ago had it worked out! It probably truly wasn't meant to be.....but, that kind of love, that kind of being passionate about another person--that's not something you can conjure up because you feel like it. You might try and you might just fool yourself for awhile, but it's not going to go the long haul and keep you warm at night when you feel very much alone in the midst of a relationship. You can't sustain self-conjured up emotion for the distance....it just doesn't work, and try as you might, eventually, you end up drained and alone when you realize the death of another dream....a BIG dream....because of settling. Once again...my own choice, which has led me down a path I'd really rather not travel.
So, life goes on, and you DO have glimpses of joy...the things that make it seem all okay again--that let you know that the Lord can indeed redeem our choices. The smiles of precious little angels and their sweet, sweet laughter. Their little voices singing and their tiny arms around my neck...their sweet little wet kisses and what can melt my heart more than ANYTHING ever, ever could. Oh Lord, You ARE a redeemer....I KNOW that everytime I look into their faces. Everytime I hear their voices. You can and do redeem our poor choices. With dreams that have died have also come blessings that I could have never imagined...and I am grateful...really, I am!
And then, you think you have it together. You think things are coming together again, and the rug sorta gets pulled out from under you. I assumed too much. I thought I had it all together. I was working toward something, and I guess I have too much pride or something, because for some reason, I am supposed to be falling now....and its' hard. The death of a dream.
Honestly, I don't know where to turn right now. I feel very alone and well....like a failure. I've felt that more times in my life than I care to recount, but this time....well....it just hurts, that I've made choices...all of them, in my life, that have collectively brought me here. I'm sure I'll be okay. God is good and I know He loves me and will never leave me. I know He has a plan. Ultimately, I know it'll all be okay....but dangit.....I sure would love to have some of that abundant life in the here and now that Jesus talks about in John 10:10!
Finances....marriage....career...school...passions....oh the choices we have....and what choices we make can make the difference between the death of a dream and abundant life. Oh Lord....please, please help me not to screw this life up anymore than I already have....I so need You, and I want to walk where You lead me. I hold on to Your hope--I've really made a mess of this first 36 years...I pray I may make better choices, and see Your redemption in the next 36!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Ventings, ramblings, and a lot of prayer
I need to get some sleep, which would probably help me a lot, but I am really just sort of drained right now. My frustration level is high, my anxiety is way up too, and I have more dissapointment with the situation that I find myself in than I ever would have imagined.
I am crazy about my God, my kids, my friends, and my work--and those things are what hold it all together for me now....these are the motivation that compels me. I need so much to get some wisdom so I know what to do. I need to know how to please Him and what is best for my kids. It is more of a struggle than I think I even comprehend sometimes.
Lord, help me to be who you want me to be. Help me to come back to the joy You once filled me with, but that I have allowed my circumstances to steal from me. Help me to choose to look to You and to be filled with Your joy once again. I pray you'd provide, and I pray you'd love through me. Lord, I need You, and am more aware of it than ever.
I am crazy about my God, my kids, my friends, and my work--and those things are what hold it all together for me now....these are the motivation that compels me. I need so much to get some wisdom so I know what to do. I need to know how to please Him and what is best for my kids. It is more of a struggle than I think I even comprehend sometimes.
Lord, help me to be who you want me to be. Help me to come back to the joy You once filled me with, but that I have allowed my circumstances to steal from me. Help me to choose to look to You and to be filled with Your joy once again. I pray you'd provide, and I pray you'd love through me. Lord, I need You, and am more aware of it than ever.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Facebook can be fun, but humbling!
This is a copy of a note I put up on my facebook tonight:
Wow...I haven't been on this thing (facebook) for very long, and it seems we could have a virtual class reunion from my high school class on here! Not to mention several friends from my college years and beyond I've found too. It really is amazing how technology has made the world a smaller place. I continue to be amazed by that.I am so enjoying seeing what people are up to, seeing pictures of their families and where life's journey has taken everyone. It is so much fun to see where everyone is at and a little slice of what their life is like, through pictures and just seeing what they are up to. It is quite humbling though....especially when I see everyone from way back when! I am thinking I must be the only one who has aged in the last however-many-years its been. Everyone else looks so young and still so beautiful....not really any different than what I remember them, truthfully. Pretty amazing! And then I see my pictures from even 10 years ago. Whew! Have I ever aged....and expanded...and aged...and expanded! Humbling for sure, if not maybe even downright heartbreaking! I know Jesus loves me...and that's the thing that matters. Really, I do know that! It is still difficult to confront the years (and the pounds, and the debt, and the dissapointments, and the....well, yada yada yada) sometimes though. I love the Switchfoot song that goes "This is your life, are you who you wanna be...this is your life...is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger....and you had everything to lose...." Well....I hate the song and I love it all at the same time! I hate it because it reminds me that...well, quite frankly, there is a lot that isn't all I dreamed it would be. I try not to blog or otherwise publically complain about those issues, so I'll leave that at that. I love the song though, because it reminds me at the same time, to ask myself that question and to try to "press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me....forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead...I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." I am grateful, that when I am at my weakest, and at my lowest, that His strength is at work within me. I am also grateful that I can have hope in the face of some awfully humbling times. This is my life...am I who I wanna be??? Well, not really...but I am here, and I'm not alone, and I'm not done; by His grace, hopefully someday I will be who I want to be. For now though, I will rest in knowing I belong to the One who loves me more than I could ever imagine.
Wow...I haven't been on this thing (facebook) for very long, and it seems we could have a virtual class reunion from my high school class on here! Not to mention several friends from my college years and beyond I've found too. It really is amazing how technology has made the world a smaller place. I continue to be amazed by that.I am so enjoying seeing what people are up to, seeing pictures of their families and where life's journey has taken everyone. It is so much fun to see where everyone is at and a little slice of what their life is like, through pictures and just seeing what they are up to. It is quite humbling though....especially when I see everyone from way back when! I am thinking I must be the only one who has aged in the last however-many-years its been. Everyone else looks so young and still so beautiful....not really any different than what I remember them, truthfully. Pretty amazing! And then I see my pictures from even 10 years ago. Whew! Have I ever aged....and expanded...and aged...and expanded! Humbling for sure, if not maybe even downright heartbreaking! I know Jesus loves me...and that's the thing that matters. Really, I do know that! It is still difficult to confront the years (and the pounds, and the debt, and the dissapointments, and the....well, yada yada yada) sometimes though. I love the Switchfoot song that goes "This is your life, are you who you wanna be...this is your life...is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger....and you had everything to lose...." Well....I hate the song and I love it all at the same time! I hate it because it reminds me that...well, quite frankly, there is a lot that isn't all I dreamed it would be. I try not to blog or otherwise publically complain about those issues, so I'll leave that at that. I love the song though, because it reminds me at the same time, to ask myself that question and to try to "press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me....forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead...I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." I am grateful, that when I am at my weakest, and at my lowest, that His strength is at work within me. I am also grateful that I can have hope in the face of some awfully humbling times. This is my life...am I who I wanna be??? Well, not really...but I am here, and I'm not alone, and I'm not done; by His grace, hopefully someday I will be who I want to be. For now though, I will rest in knowing I belong to the One who loves me more than I could ever imagine.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Light up frisbee!!!
Okay...I don't have a lot of time for much of a post...and I am in dire need of catching up on here....but can I just say: Throwing around a light up frisbee in the street in the dark is A LOT of fun!!!! Sorta makes you forget all the stuff that weighs you down, even if just for a little bit.
I highly recommend a light-up frisbee to throw around for anyone in need of stress relief...(or not!)
Yes, this is a random post....but I'm a little random at the moment!
I highly recommend a light-up frisbee to throw around for anyone in need of stress relief...(or not!)
Yes, this is a random post....but I'm a little random at the moment!
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